Yesterday a video of Osama bin Laden was discovered - 4 days prior to the election. Most anaylists agree that this is obviously an attempt by ObL to sway the results of the election. But the question is, which way is he trying to sway it? To help figure it out, I have brought in two special guests: Osama bin Laden, and an undecided voter, Vizzini. Let’s begin.
Osama: In your upcoming election, you will have the choice between two men - George W. Bush and John Kerry. One of these candidates will lead to more terrorist attacks, even larger than 9/11. In my video, I tell you about how your current president, George W. Bush, totally botched any attempt to stop 9/11, and actually gave us way more time to execute it than we ever imagined we’d have. Because of my anti-Bush statements, some people (FOX News, especially) have called this tape my endorsement of John Kerry. But I never said that.
Vazzini: Hmm.
O: All right: which candidate is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you vote, and find out if you chose right, or if you are dead.
V: But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would endorse the candidate he actually wants to win, or endorse his enemy? [Vizzini pauses to study Osama] Now, a clever man would endorse his own candidate, because he would know that only a great fool would vote for who he was told. I’m not a great fool, so I can clearly not for the candidate you endorse. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not vote for the candidate you insult.
O: You’ve made your decision then?
V: Not remotely. Because you are from Saudi Arabia, as everyone knows. And Saudi Arabia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not vote for the candidate you endorse.
O: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
V: Wait till I get going! Where was I?
O: Saudi Arabia.
V: Yes — Saudi Arabia, and you must have suspected I would have known your origin, so I can clearly not vote for the candidate you claim to oppose!
O: You’re just stalling now.
V: You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you? You’ve beaten my towers, which means you’re exceptionally strong. So, you could have endorsed the candidate you don’t want, trusting on your strength to save you. So I can clearly not vote for the candidate you say you like. But, you’ve also bested the FBI and CIA, which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the person you don’t want as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not vote for the person who you say you don’t want!
O: You’re trying to trick me into giving away something — it won’t work –
V: It has worked — you’ve given everything away — I know which candidate to vote for!
O: Then make your choice.
V: I will. And I choose [stops suddenly and points at something behind Osama] what in the world can that be?
O: [Turns, looks] What? Where? I don’t see anything.
[Vizzini quickly switches the ballots while Osama has his head turned.]
V: Oh, well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.
[Osama turns to face him again. Vizzini starts to laugh.]
O: What’s so funny?
V: I’ll tell you in a minute. First, I’ll vote - for the candidate you endorse.
[Vizzini picks up his ballot and votes for George W. Bush]
O: You guessed wrong.
V: [roaring with laughter] You only think I guessed wrong… [louder now] …that’s what’s so funny! I switched ballots when your back was turned. You fool.
[Osama sits silently.]
V: You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is “Never get involved in a land war in Iraq.” But only slightly less well known is this: “Never go in against an American when death is on the line.”
[Vizzini roars with laughter, and falls over dead]
Osama’s Secret: He spent the three years following 9/11 developing an immunity to American politicians.
Seriously, though, the biggest thing with this video is not trying to figure out what sort of mind game ObL is playing trying to affect the election - the biggest thing is that Osama bin Laden is still alive and well, and still making video tapes, 3 years after 9/11/01, when Bush said that he would capture bin Laden “dead or alive.” The reason for this is that Bush put all his resources into going after Hussein so he could have his Iraq war that people in his administration had been pushing since Clinton was in office. Bush even said in 2002 that he didn’t know where Osama bin Laden was, and wasn’t concerned about finding him. When John Kerry called him on this during the debates, Bush lied, denying he ever said it. See the video here.
And for those interested, I do think that bin Laden’s seeming endorsement of Kerry is intended to swing the election towards Bush. After all, Bush has let Osama run free for three years, and he’ll proabably run free for another four years if Bush is re-elected, while Kerry will make it a top priority to catch Osama as quickly as possible if he is elected to prove he’s tough on terror, and to unite America behind him. So it’s really in the best interest of Osama bin Laden that George W. Bush is re-”elected.”
***UPDATE***
From an unamed member of the Bush Administration: “anything that makes people nervous about their personal safety helps Bush.”
He called [the bin Laden tape] “a little gift,” saying it helps the President but doesn’t guarantee his reelection.
(link)
