The thrilling conclusion!

Harry wasn’t quite in the mood to be avada kedavrad, so he thought quickly, leapt into action, and used the other Harry Potters as shields while the Army of Voldemorts killed them left-and-right. After a while, Harry started sweating, because he realized that his supply of Harry Potters was dwindling, while the Vollys kept advancing. As the Voldemorts prepared to kedavra the final Potter duplicate, Harry had a brilliant idea.
Harry tossed the Potter at the Voldemorts, catching them unawares for a moment, giving him just enough time to grab a quill and parchment and write: “At that moment, all of the Voldemorts realized that their shoelaces were tied together, and they fell in a pig pile and said ‘oof’ in unison.” As Harry wrote, all of the Voldemorts realized that their shoelaces were tied together, and they all fell in a pig pile and said ‘oof’ in unison.
“Hey pants?” said the One True Voldemort in a befuddled voice.
“I’m fighting fanfic with fanfic.” Said Potter, and boy was it.
“Two can play at that game.” Said Crazy V. “All of a sudden, the Voldemorts jumped out of their shoes and paraded in a circle around Harry Potter in a threatening manner!” And what he said, they did.
“Oh man – why isn’t Hermione here to write things for me like usual?” wondered Harry. Luckily, he’s a clever lad, and so he then wrote “and then Hermione arrived with wonderful ideas about how to stop this gang of Vollys.”
“Hey, Harry, I’ve got some wonderful ideas!” said Hermione as she grabbed another piece of paper and a quill and began quickly writing. As she wrote, a great wind arose and began blowing the Voldemorts away, just like in Mary Poppins. “This is working almost perfectly – the only thing I could do to improve the situation is to start writing topless!” Hermione began to unbutton her shirt, but before she could fully remove it, she took away the paper that Harry was writing on and erased that last line. Harry and the remaining Voldemorts were sad.
Hermione and Voldemort wrote furiously, each trying to out-fanfic the other. As they had their literary battle, Harry wrote a little story about a group of wandering bikini models who were searching for a magical boy on whom they could practice their massage and make-out skills. When they arrived, Harry volunteered for the position, and he realized that he shouldn’t have waited to learn how to write until just this moment, because this sort of power is certainly a handy one to have around. As he enjoyed his bikini team, Hermione and Crazy V realized that they had run out of paper. Crazy V tried to motion to the rest of his Army of Darkness to kill Hermione, but he was disappointed to see that they had all be thrown out the window by her fic skills.
Crazy V glared at Hermione. “Move aside, little girl, my fight is not with you. All I want is the boy.”
“I don’t think so, Voldemort. Let’s end this.”
“Fine. Look over there! A massage-and-make-out party with a group of wandering bikini models!”
At the sound of this, Hermione turned to gaze longingly at the bikini team, throwing her off just long enough for Voldemort to hit her in the head with an oversized turnip. Hermione was caught off guard, and knocked out cold.
“So, Harry Potter, it’s just you and me. And now it’s time for me to finally get my revenge, after all of these years! At long last, the One True Potter will die!”
“Will he? Well, good on ya, mate. Best of luck with that, then.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said best of luck killing the One True Potter. Let me know how that turns out.”
“I don’t understand. You are the One True Potter!”
“Are you kidding? Pshaw. That’s the one true Potter over there.”
“No it isn’t – that’s Draco Malfoy in an ill-fitting wig.”
“That’s what he wants you to think. Who else but the One True Potter could come up with so crafty a disguise? Why, he’s so sure that you’ll think that he’s Malfoy, he’s not even bothering to stand up and face you.”
“I think he’s passed out from pain, on account of the dagger in his forehead.”
“No, bob, that dagger’s just there to throw you off. That’s the One True Potter, or my name’s not… something other than Harry Potter.”
“You sure bout that?”
“No doubt.”
“So all I have to do is kill that unconscious boy, and I will have finally defeated Harry Potter in epic battle?”
“Do it.”
“Very well. Prepare to die, Harry Potter!” And with that, Crazy V avada kedavrad Draco Malfoy like no one had ever been avada kedavrad before. And while he was busy with that, Harry found one last slip of paper and wrote down that he had his wand in his pocket, which he then did, and he pulled it out and pointed it at Voldemort.
“Oh, Volly, I forgot to mention one little detail. I really am the One True Potter.” Voldemort spun around and shouted “Avada Kedavra!” at the real Harry Potter, but Harry was too quick, and he shouted Avada Kedavra at the exact same time, and so both unforgivable curses hit each other and fizzled in mid air.
“Oh, and one more thing…” said Harry, “Jinx!”
“What? Avada Ked-!”
“Nope!”
“What do you mean, nope?”
“I mean nope. You can’t cast any spells. In fact, you can’t speak anymore.”
“Why not?”
“Because I said ‘jinx,’ Volly! You can’t say anything until somebody says your name three times.”
“Drat!”
“No! Quiet! You’re not allowed to talk!”
“But I-”
“Nope.”
“Come on!”
“Shupp!”
“Can’t I-”
“No, bob!”
“Oh dangit!”
Dejectedly, Voldemort sulked off to sit in the gutter wearing a triangle hat. He tried and tried to get people to say his name three times, but since he is “He Who Must Not Be Named,” he wasn’t able to get anyone to say it even once. And so the Dark Lord had no choice but to give up his profession of trying to take over the world and kill Harry Potter, and take up the new job of Street Mime. And everyone that saw his performance wondered which was really worse.
In the end, everyone (except for Crazy V) lived happily ever after. Hermione joined up with the wandering bikini team, Harry got another trophy for defeating Voldemort again, and Ron did not appear in this story, which made every else happy.

The End

Unfortunately the cartoon version of this one will have to wait until I can get my recording studio fixed. I need to send my pre-amp off to the factory to get it repaired (it’s still under warranty; I just need to find time when I can go to UPS during business hours so that I can send it to them).

In other news, the ants have won the battle against my desk. They’d keep coming around, even with all of the lovely borax sugar I put out for them, and so I looked online for other tricks, and found a recipe for another anti-ant potion. This one was water, sugar, and borax, which you’re supposed to pour where the ants are, and it’s supposed to attract them and kill them faster than the borax sugar on its own. So I mixed some up, and poured some little puddles of it on various parts of my desk. Lo and behold, it worked - now thre are no ants in site. So I went to clean off the potion, only to discover that I can’t take off the now-dried puddles of potion without also taking off the fake-wood coating they put on my desk. So, I can either leave little hard puddles of anti-ant, or I can scrape it off, and have little puddle-shaped areas of particle board all over my desk. Touche, ants. Touche.

Note to self: buy an anteater.

Harry had a pit in his stomach, because he ate a whole peach shortly before he was arrested. This discomfort was only intensified by the news that he would be the first to die. Not being a big fan of being put to death by the father of his childhood rival, Harry spoke up.
“Whoa there, cowboy, you can go right ahead and kill those other Potters, but I am the One True Potter, so if you kill me, you would be totally bumfancied.”
“I am old and am afeared and riled by your use of slanguage.”
“What I’m saying is, since you’re in charge of eliminating all of the unlicensed Harry Potters, if you were to accidentally kill the Real Harry Potter, you can bet your blondielocks that all manner of pow and kerblammo would reign down upon you. So if I were you, I would put your wand right back in your pants before you hurt yourself.”
“Your continued slaughter of the English language has set me into a tizzy, and for vengeance, I will sit on the edge of the stage with a blanket and pout.”
“Do it.”
“I already did. Hey, pout, hum and sigh. Now go sit back down or I shall wallow in self-pity further.”
“Do it.”
“You push me and push me! Oh, stain.”
As Harry prodded Malfoy, he noticed that the Dementors were beginning to draw in, and so he got a rain check to continue his torment later, since he did not have nearly enough hands to shoo away them all. Since the dementors were unable to pick Harry out from the rest of the Harry’s, they put on some hipster polka albums and pushed the Potters out the door for recess. Because they have recess in Azkaban.
Out on the playground, Harry rode on the swings while he tried to come up with a cunning plan to escape from Azkaban. He had one, but realized that it would not work without access to a hippogryph. He had very nearly completed a second cunning plan, when his work was interrupted by the recess bell calling them all back to the main hall. When all of the Potters were back in their seats, Malfoy asked that the Harry that had been bothering him earlier please stand up so that he could be killed straight away. However, Harry did not do as he was told, because he knows the first rule of How Not to be Seen. This made Malfoy so upset that he threw one of his legs out the window. He then realized that he might need that leg later on, and so sent out a couple of the Harry’s to retrieve it for him. When they had returned, Malfoy made another speech.
“When last I spoke, one of you pointed out that it would be a rather large party foul to kill the real Harry Potter. But that worry can now be put to rest, because I have brought along the One True Potter. Since he is here, I can go ahead and kill you all willy-nilly, without fear of repercussion.”
At that moment, Malfoy made a broad gesture, and brought out the One True Potter: Draco Malfoy in an ill-fitting wig.
“Hey! That’s not the One True Potter, that’s Draco Malfoy in an ill-fitting wig!” said one of the Harry Potters, stating the already stated.
“No it isn’t.” said both Malfoys.
“Yes it is – look, he hasn’t even got a scar on his forehead!” said another of the Potters.
“Yes he does!” said Old Man Malfoy as he stabbed his son in the face with a knife.
“Ouch.” Said Draco in a particularly unconvincing One True Potter type of voice.
“It’s Malfoy – even you must admit that by now… Malfoy.”
“I think you underestimate my ability to deny the obvious, Potter!”
“Well if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.”
“I’m afraid so. I can’t compete with you physically, and you’re no match for my flowing blonde hair.”
“Maybe not, but I know something that is. Bring out the sorting hat!”
“Oh, bullocks and balls.”
As the two Malfoys were frowning in unison, the dementors brought out the Sorting Hat on a platter. When it was settled, the Harry Potters lined up to find out which of them was the One True Potter. The first of the multitude approached, and the hat was placed on his head.
“Hmmm” said the Sorting Hat, “Difficult, very difficult. Plenty of courage, I see. Not a bad mind either. There’s talent, oh yes, and a thirst to prove yourself. But where to put you…”
“Gryffindor. I know. That’s not what we’re actually here to find out.” Said the Harry.
“What? Then why in the balls did you bring me out here? I’m just the guy that tells you what house to go to. I can’t tell any of you apart. Except for that one – he’s Draco Malfoy in an ill-fitting wig.” Said the Sorting Hat, who then proceeded to toddle off and go back to his body massage. Because Hats can have body massages.
This left Malfoy and the Potters in somewhat of a predicament. Since all of the Harry Potters believed themselves to be the One True Potter, and Malfoy insisted on saying that Malfoy in an ill-fitting wig is the One True Potter (though by this point Draco had given up claim to that title, and was now recommending that he be taken to the hospital, since he had a dagger sticking out of his forehead.) Since they were unsure of what to do next, everybody just stared at each other without blinking for five straight minutes. Everybody blinked, however, when they heard a great rumbling, and one of the walls crumbled, revealing an army of Voldemorts.
“What – Harry Potters didn’t realize that people also write stories about We Who Must Not Be Named?”
The Potters trembled in their boots.
“Well okay, they didn’t really write about me that much. But to rectify that situation, I personally wrote enough stories about myself that now the Crazy V’s outnumber the False Potters two to one. So prepare yourselves, Potters, because you will not be ‘The Boys Who Lived’ for very long. Avada Kedavra!”

Stay tuned next time for the Thrilling Conclusion!

Legends of Hogwarts: Harry Potter and the Copyright Infringement
By Nathaniel Jones

Harry was lying on his bed reflecting on his day, and how handsome and powerful he is, when he heard a knock at the door. Harry did not answer the door, as he was busy reflecting on how handsome and powerful he is. Unfortunately, the knocking continued no matter how many spells he shot at the mysterious guest. After a while Harry realized that he should just take a picture; it’ll last longer. So he got in a couple nice high-angle shots, and then opened the door, revealing two burly gentlemen with large shoulder pads to make themselves look even more-so burly.
“Are you Harry Potter, Legendary Boy Wizard?” asked one of the fellows.
“Hold on, let me check – there’s the scar from when I defeated Voldemort the first time, there’s the Newspaper clipping from when I defeated Voldemort the second time, and there’s the life-size card board cutout depicting me defeating Voldemort the third time. Me, three, Crazy V, zero. Tic-tac-toe, bitches.”
“Harry Potter, you are under arrest.”
“What the balls?”
“You are under arrest for Copyright Infringement. You’re going to have to come with us.”
Harry looked around the room, and lunged for his wand, but the two burly gentlemen used their man strength to hold him back. Harry did not give up so easily – he began shouting spells hither and thither, until the more burley of the two hit him in the head with a slab of salted meat.

When Harry awoke, he rubbed his eyes, sore head, and sweet, sweet ass. He climbed out of the cot that he had been sleeping in, and looked in the mirror. He was shocked – for someone so unbelievably handsome, he looked terrible. He was further shocked when this terrible looking reflection spoke to him.
“Good morning. How’s your head?” it asked.
“It hurts almost as much as looking at your ugly mug. Who are you?”
“I’m your roommate. My name’s Harry. Harry Potter.”
“You’re who then what now?”
“I’m Harry Potter. You may have heard of me – I’m rather famous, you see. See this scar? I got it when Voldemort tried to kill me when I was a baby.”
“Hold on there, cowboy – I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but I don’t think it’s funny. Where am I?”
“Azkaban. Room 413.”
“What am I doing in Azkaban?”
“Hold that thought – dementor. Shoo! Shoo!”
“What was that?”
“A dementor. They’re the guards here.”
“No – I know that – I mean, what was that ‘shoo shoo’ business?”
“Oh. Well, you see, of course we’re not allowed to have our wands in here, so if we want to get rid of the dementors, saying ‘expectum patronus’ doesn’t do much. Luckily, one of the others figured out that if you brush your hand towards them and say “shoo” it works just as well.”
“Others?”
“Umm… I think you should just wait and see for yourself. See – there’s the bell for breakfast. Hurry along now, Harry, we’ve got to get it while it’s hot.”

Harry followed Harry out of their room and into a hallway full of Harry Potters of all shapes and sizes. Harry had had to use all his strength to make his way through the hallway that he was amazed to see was almost as full of himself as he was. The crowd slowly made its way down the hallway and into a massive mess hall, where the various Harry Potters sat at tables designated by age, ranging from first-year Harry Potters to post-grad Harry Potters. When they were all seated, a group of Big House elves brought out bowls of gruel, which the Harry Potters responded to by singing a medley of songs from ‘Oliver.’ Once that was out of the way, it was announced that the Warden of Azkaban was going to make an announcement. Of course, Harry did not worry his beautiful mind about such things, and set in to eating right away. However, this did not please the warden, who glared at him and said “Harry Potter!”
Every eye turned to the warden, since they all thought he was talking to them. Harry looked at the warden in shock, for he recognized the long blonde locks that flowed around the head of the warden as those belonging to Lucius Malfoy.
“Malfoy? How’d he get to be warden? He was supposed to be locked up!”
“He was – but thanks to a large donation, he was able to find a loophole in his sentence that said he had to serve his time in Azkaban – it didn’t expressly state that he couldn’t serve his time in Azkaban as warden.”
“Potter! Come up here – no, not you all, just that one. Come here.”
Harry set down his spoon and walked past the sea of himself and onto the platform next to Malfoy, who began orating with a great abundance of pomp, circumstance, and bleach-blonde hair.
“As you all no doubt notice, we’re currently experience an over-abundance of Harry Potters. And why is this? Because a few overzealous fans have grown impatient with the natural progression, and have taken it upon themselves to artificially create new chapters in time, each of which results in a new, alternate version of Harry Potter to be born – the result of which is sitting in this room. All of you here have been brought to life by beings other than Rowling the Creator. This is and of itself is no high crime, but it has come to our attention that the actions of some of you are getting dangerous, and begins to threaten the entire canon. Some of you have been killed, risen from the dead, turned into raging homosexuals, joined the death eaters, and some of you have even ventured beyond the realm of Witchcraft and Wizardry to dally in other fandoms. We cannot allow this to continue - and so now the task has fallen to me to do what must be done: destroy all of the duplicate Harry Potters…” Despite his best attempts, Malfoy was not able to completely hide the pleasure with which he said these final lines. “…beginning with this one.”

I’ve decided to try starting Theater Thursdays - every Thursday I have to write a scene (either a stand alone, or part of a larger play). For my first one, here’s a quick little sketch called “Brian, the Literate Zombie”

BRIAN THE LITERATE ZOMBIE
BY NATHANIEL JONES

BRIAN and CHRIS sit at a table in a small coffee shop. CHRIS
is trying to read the newspaper, while BRIAN plays with a
chess board they have set up.

BRIAN
Look - I don’t see what the big
deal is.

CHRIS
The big deal? It’s my brain we’re
talking about here!

BRIAN
Look, I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t
something I had to do. Okay?

CHRIS
I know - you’ve explained it to me,
it’s just that I’m kind of using my
brain right now. Why can’t you just
go out into the street and find
someone? A dark alley?

BRIAN
A dark alley! Chris, I’m - I want
to do this right. I mean… look,
this is hard for me. If I don’t get
some of your brain, I’ll die. Do
you understand?

CHRIS
I understand.

BRIAN
I’m trying to make this as easy for
you as possible. I’ve got a doctor
lined up - all you have to do is go
in, they’ll give you some gas so
you’ll sleep through everything,
and when you wake up, perfectly
fine (minus a little bit of brain
tissue), and I can go on living for
another day.

CHRIS
I know. Brian, I know, and don’t
think I’m unappreciative. It’s just
that - I don’t really see the point
of it!

BRIAN
The point? It’s my life!

CHRIS
A day of your life! Let’s say I do
it - I cut out a piece of my brain.
You eat it. Seriously - how long
can one chunk of brain hold you
over? A day at the most? What will
you do tomorrow? You know you’ll
have to feast again.

BRIAN
Tomorrow - I’ll cross that bridge
when I come to it. Listen… I
didn’t chose this. If I could all
of a sudden stop being a zombie, I
would. But I can’t. Do you have any
idea what it’s like when you’re
neighbor tries to eat you? Have you
ever had that experience?

CHRIS
No.

BRIAN
Yeah, well I have. Old Man Wilson
didn’t ask before he bit into me,
and now I’m stuck forever as one of
the undead walking the earth. I
don’t want to force that on anyone
else. So I’m asking you - please -
donate a piece of your brain. Just
enough to tide me over till
tomorrow.

CHRIS
What will I forget?

BRIAN
What?

CHRIS
If I cut out a piece of my brain,
what will I forget?

BRIAN
I don’t know - they’re good
doctors, you can probably request
something. The fourth grade? Senior
prom? That summer you sold knives?

CHRIS
Well, I… what if I die? Will I…
come back?

BRIAN
No - that’s the point. The doctor
cuts out a piece of your brain, and
then gives it to me. I don’t get
anywhere near you. You’ll be safe.

CHRIS
I, ah - alright, I’m not agreeing
completely, but let’s go see the
doctor.

BRIAN
Oh man - thanks. You don’t know how
much I appreciate this.

CHRIS
Okay, okay. Just don’t come back
asking for another piece.

BRIAN
Oh, but you hardly ever use it
anyway.

CHRIS
Hey!

BRIAN
Oh, sorry. I won’t ask for any more
- I know you don’t have that much
to begin with.

CHRIS
You keep this up, I’ll change my
mind.

BRIAN
Mmm… mind.

Exeunt.

I’ve spent all day exploring Virtual Reality.

I started out with “Second Life,” which seems to be like “The Sims” except that it’s in real time with other people. People can go on there, buy property, start a business, and actually make a living in real life. However, I lost interest after flying around for just a little while.

The next virtual world I explored was “World of Warcraft.” I’ve been avoiding this game since I first heard about it, because not only does it consume all of your waking hours, but you also have to pay for it. However, since I was feeling bored today and had a free two week trial, I loaded it up and explored for a while. At the end of three hours, I was up to level five (I would have been higher, except that I tried to see how far I could go, and kept getting killed by huge beasts moments after I just returned from the dead after being killed by a huge beast moments before. I won’t be buying the full version, but it was a fun way to spend three hours.

Hey - did you know that Hot Or Not still exists? I just got an e-mail from them letting me know that not only do they still exist, but now they don’t charge to talk to people on it. So I did a search for people in Austin and clicked “yes I want to meet this person” to a good number of them. While I’m having fun exploring and going around on my own, I would much prefer to have some other people to go around with.

I also put more detail in BlueChairEntertainment.com (for those of you that clicked the link that I posted before, and then were disappointed that there was absolutely nothing on the website).

As an update, the ants are still around, but there are not as many as there were. According to The Internet, it takes a few days for the poison to work its way through the colony, so I’m not too concerned about it.

In other news from yesterday, I tried out the Golden Corral restaurant that’s just down the street for dinner. I read about it online and heard that it’s an all-you-can-eat with steak, so I went in expecting it to be like Sizzler, where you order your steak, and then go through the buffet part. But no - the steak is in the buffet. When I realized this, I thought back to Old Country Buffet’s steak night, where I had a piece of the thinnest, chewiest, over-cookediest steak that I have ever encountered. With my expectations low, I went through the different stations and picked up some of the fresh fruit and other healthy first course options, and here I noticed the first difference: the fresh fruit was actually fresh fruit! At Old Country it was obviously a bowl of frozen fruit that they had just dumped in from a bag, but this was actually fresh fruit, that still had taste to it and everything! My tastebuds were happy. My next course was the steak, and it did not disappoint - rather than the centimeter-thick too-well-done steak from Old Country, they had huge slabs of beef that they were cooking right where you could watch, and you could request how you wanted it. So I asked for a piece medium rare, and it actually came out medium rare - it was thick and juicy and delicious. So, the moral of the story is - Golden Corral is good, while Old Country is even worse than I had realized, by comparison.

Tomorrow is the day I’ve been looking forward to for quite a while now: for one, it is the first new episode of Heroes since it went on hiatus many weeks ago, and for two, I’ll have a sweet new massage chair to watch it in! Woo woo! And now I’m going to bed, so that tomorrow gets here even faster.

So, right now my apartment is completely covered in ants. There have been some ants since I moved in, and on Thursdays there’s a guy that’s supposed to come in and put stuff down to get rid of them, but I didn’t put my name on the list for this week, and so the ants were worse than ever. That’s the bad news. The good news is that I have now begun to fight back against this ant menace - it’s just like Leiningen VS The Ants, but in real life! So I’m using the knowledge that I learned from Leiningen: step one is to build a river that will wash the ants out to sea. Unfortunately I do not have a river, but I do have a bath tub full of ants. So, I am able to use my Shower Power to flush many ants down the drain. Leiningen 1, Ants 0.

The bad news is that the shower can only reach so far - so any ants not in one corner of the shower are safe from it’s spray. Now, I know from Leiningen that the next step is to use fire to burn the ants. But unfortunately for me, I do not have any matches or a lighter. And besides, I’m pretty sure there was something in the leasing agreement that said I would set fire to the apartment. So it would appear that I’m out of options.

The good news is that I know that these are sugar ants, and so this must mean that they like sugar. So what I did was to go down to the grocery store and pick up a bag of powdered sugar, which I then brought back to the apartment, and sprinkled in all the most ant-infested areas. The ants seem to like the sugar, as now each pile of sugar is swarming with more ants than ever before. The ants are all climbing over each other to get to the sugary goodness, and then they are bringing tiny little bits of it back to the Queen Ant, so that she can make more ants to come eat my sugar. The ants are happy with this arrangement, but it’s rather gross for me, because now I have millions and millions of ants all over the apartment - far more than ever I saw before. And they’re eating my sugar.

But just wait - this is the most cunning piece of my plan. For you see, this powdered sugar that they are all eating and feeding to the queen… is poison! bwa ha ha! And once everyone in the ant colony has eaten my delicious piles of powdered sugar, then they will die! And with the queen dead, she will no longer produce generations of ants to torment me, and, as an added bonus, her death will leave the throne open, so that I can become King of the Ants! Bwa ha ha!

But until that happens, I’ve got tons of ants crawling around, and they’re not making me happy.

I’ve had a pretty much awesome week, and now I’m going to tell you about it.

On Sunday, it was absolutely gorgeous outside, so I took a long walk up to Town Lake Park and walked around. It’s a nice park, right outside of downtown. There were quite a few people there enjoying the sun, as it was a Sunday afternoon, and there was a little drum circle playing, and - the best part - a bunch of turtles sunning themselves and looking cute. Ooo. And then, to top it off, I went to Schlotzsky’s for lunch (the sandwich place that I’ve been waiting to go to for the past bunch of years). I was a little nervous about eating there, since it’s been built up so much in my mind I was afraid that it wouldn’t live up to expectation. But, I ordered the French Dipsky, and it was so delicious I stood on my head! Not literally. So, all in all, Sunday was the best day I’ve had in recent memory.

Monday and Tuesday? Lame! I didn’t really ever leave my apartment either of these days. Whatabore! However, I did get aquire some sweet material posessions: for one, I got my desk and chair (so as I type this, I am sitting in a chair, as opposed to on the floor, where I had been sitting since I moved in). And I got some dishes, and some towels, and new rechargable batteries (since the ones in my camera don’t hold a charge any more, which explains the relative lack of photos), and the thing I’m most looking forward to now: a massage chair! Wa-wa-wee-wah! I’ve been wanting one for many years, but had yet to buy one, since they usually cost a couple thousand dollars. But on slickdeals, I did a search for massage chairs, and found that they are having a sale on them at costco, and I was able to get the usually $650 version for $400, including shipping. I went ahead and ordered it, because for one I’ve been wanting one for so long and this was the first time it was financially feasable, and for two my back was pretty much screaming in agony from sitting on the floor for up to eight hours a day (since I had to sit or lie on the ground while working on the computer for the JF sites) and it demanded that I get it a massage. So, that should get here on Monday. Yay.

Today was another good day, for food and movie related reasons. I started out by working about 9 hours on the JF sites, and then I went out to dinner - at Chotchkies! “What? Isn’t Chotchkies the fictional restaurant in the movie ‘Office Space?’ The one where they wear all the flair?” Why yes it is! In reality, it is the Old Alligator Grill, a cajun restaurant just a few blocks from my apartment. But if you go in, you can recognize that it is the same location that they used to film the Chotchkies scenes in the movie. My nerd-dom was skipping happily about while I ate there. “And did they wear flair?” No, because apparently they don’t want to express themselves. The bad news is that they’ve remodeled since they filmed, so it doesn’t look quite the same as it does in the movie, but it’s still recognizable. And, the food was quite delicious. I had something called Catfish Thibodeaux - it’s catfish stuffed with other types of seafood and peppers and things, wrapped in bacon, with some sort of spicy sauce on top, served on rice. It was the sort of thing I never would have ordered, but the waitress recomended it and I tried it, as I’m being adventurous, and it was delicious. And it came with some interesting (in a good way) cornbread - it was sort of crunchy on the outside, and chewy on the inside, like a not-as-chewy, not-as-sweet version of Chinese Chews (for those that know that those are).

After I finished eating and looking around at the chotchkie-ness of it all, I wandered around, disappointed to see that everything was closed. I really need to find a time to walk around when all of the places around me are actually open, assuming there is such a time. I didn’t find anything interesting, so I headed home, and typed up this Educational and Fun Account of My Recent Events. Now I’m going to bed, because tomorrow is $.99 tag day at the Savers (Value Village), and I have to go there early so I can snag some things before everything gets picked clean. Goodnight, lovelies.

I have some new stories, but instead of writing them down, I spent my time working on a new website for Blue Chair Entertainment (and a fancy new version of the logo - click the picture to see the site)

This is my second Saturday Night in Austin, and I wasn’t gonna just waste it by sitting around inside. No sir, bob!

But first - to catch up to today. I got my internet hooked up on Wednesday, and from then until this afternoon I’ve been working piles and piles. Yesterday I worked for almost 11 straight hours. Oof. Today I worked another six or so. The worst thing, though, is that I still do not have a chair, so all of these hours working at the computer are also spent sitting on the floor, so by now my body is becoming rebelious, and is threatening to secede. The good news is that I ordered a desk and chair from office depot yesterday, and it should be arriving on Monday. My back is happy about this. Also yesterday, I added one more piece of decoration: an amazing Wall o’ Movies:

Some people like to movie posters on the wall. I say, put the actual movie up. The only difficulty is, you have to be careful when taking a movie down, or you risk knocking all the other movies nearby down as well.

And if 11 hours of work plus putting DVDs on a wall isn’t exciting enough for you, how about this bit of delicious: there was another tornado warning! The bad news was that the real danger area didn’t reach as far as the area that I live in, but we still had some might wind, rain, and lightning. I tried to take some pictures of it, but was unsuccessful. But I did enjoy standing on my balcony in the wind and rain and watching the light show.

Now, for tonight’s adventure, I am testing out a new Visual Aid. With this map, you can follow along on my journey, as if you were there in person.

It all began as a trip to get a haircut. Unfortunately for my hair style, the barbershop was closed, so I went on an adventure instead. I’ve been exploring my area, but so far I haven’t walked beyond the half mile or so directly around me, so I decided to walk and walk and see what’s around the more distant neighborhood. I started east on Ben White; this part of the walk was the least interesting, as pretty much everything was closed. I did find a country dance club, and I walked in, but there were only a couple people sitting at the bar. I talked to the bar tender a bit, and he said that things wouldn’t really get interesting until after ten. I didn’t wait around for that to happen, however, because I was getting a bad vibe from the place, and imagined that if I stayed I’d probably get tossed through a window during a country-western style bar fight. Plus, they have a dress code that says “no t-shirts,” so I would have gone home to change, which I didn’t want to do. So I mosied on along.

After passing so many closed businesses, I decided to head toward downtown, where there would still be places open, so I headed up South Congress (or “SoCo” as they call it.) There was quite a ways with nothing much open, until I got just south of the downtown area. Here I found a plethora of upscale restaurants, with many Urban Professionals milling about. There were some cool shops around there as well that I would have liked to visit, but they were all closed.

Then, I crossed the bridge to Downtown, on which I found a great view of downtown Austin, with the capital building in the background. I didn’t have my camera on me, so I took a picture with my phone, and it didn’t turn out well at all, so I won’t post it. But you can imagine what it would have looked like. I walked up to 6th Street and walked around a bit. I hadn’t planned on staying, until I walked past The Velveeta Room and heard the hollars for last seating for a Stand-Up Comedy extravaganza from Celebrity Guest Comedians, as seen on Comedy Central. So I went in and watched the show. The first comedian was pretty lame, but after he was finished there was a slightly Sarah Silverman-esque comic called Lisa Delarios who I found quite funny, followed by the headliner, Matt Bearden, who I enjoyed thoroughly (especially the banter with the very drunk cowboy heckler at the end).

After the show, I went out to catch the night bus back to my apartment, but when I got to the stop, I saw that it didn’t start running until 12:40am, and at this point it was just after 11:30. So, I walked around 6th street for a little while more, listened to a couple bands, and then decided to catch the next round of comedy at the velveeta room, since my hand stamp (I say “stamp” - it’s actually just a circle drawn on in marker) is good for the whole night, and this would be my first time in a comedy club since being old enough to see the Late Night Show. I imagined that it would be far greater than the early show (filled with so much greatness that if anyone under 21 saw it, their head would explode), but to my surprise, it was pretty much exactly the same, except for a couple extra swear words. Way to shatter the dream, late show. Way to shatter the dream. The good news for having attended this show, however, is that I heard that every Thursday is open mic night, so next week I can pull out my best comedy jokes, and make a name for myself here in Austin. Give me two weeks - after that, I’ll be such a superstar, I’ll be all that AND a bag of po-ta-to chips. Anyway, I cut out of that show early so that I could catch the bus at 12:40, which I did, and then rode back to my apartment, at which point I entered the apartment, and wrote up this exciting tale of excitement.

And now it’s 3am, which means it’s time for Nathaniel Jones to go to bed. Goodnight, moon.

Out west there’s a fella… a fella they calls “Jonsey.”
This fella ain’t like other fellas you might meet on any Wednesday afternoon - naw.
This fella were… diff’ent.
Stood a little taller than the average fella, though he stood a little shorter.
He was the kind of fella that makes you wonder if this narrator ain’t bein’ paid based on how many times he uses the word ‘fella.’
Now one day, not too long ago, this fella up and left his home state, where he had lived for the better part of twenty-three years. Up and moved half way across the country, to the ol’ west - Texas. The Lone Star State.
And Lone Star was right - this Jonsey was going it alone, without so much as a trusty Indian companion by his side. He was going to a land where nobody knew his name - where nobody knew that he was kind of a big deal. That people know him. And he would be moving into a brand new apartment, lacking in leather bound books, and completely void of the smell of rich mahogany.
But Jonsey wasn’t afraid. Why? Because he has balls. Huge, huge, balls. Balls so big that he really had to move to Texas, because it is the only state that has room for them all. It’s true - back in Washington, he would get letters each month from Canada, Idaho, and Oregon saying “Hey - your balls are encroaching on our land.” But what could he do about it? With such big balls, what is any man to do?
Anyway, gettin’ back to the story…
This fella packed a few bags, and headed south on his horse named Southwest Airlines. He rode all the way from Seattle, to Phoenix, and finally to Austin. And don’t think that he didn’t face trials and tribulations on his flight / pony ride. No sir - he had to share a plane with the entire Colicky Baby Convention on one leg of the flight, and the Flatulant Bean Eaters Association Rally on the next. So you can imagine what that was lick.
Finally, after many grueling hours, our hero arrived at Austin, Texas. A strange land unlike any that had ever been seen by anyone before (except for people that have been to Austin). Looking out in any direction, he could see as far as he could see.
He arrived in the evening, as the sun was setting over the Texas horizon. He knew that he had to find shelter soon, for after dark he would have to fend off the hungry wolves, coyotes, snakes, and other desert critters that he might be able to find in a pet store nearby. To avoid this dangerous predicament, he made a reservation at the cheapest, closest hotel he could find, and then rode in a cab to get there. Perils of perils! Eek! Woosh! Boom! (nothing exciting happened during the cab ride, which is why I’m adding sound effects to make things more interesting).
The night was cool, and Jonsey was able to have a good night’s sleep - the first in the many weeks since he had begun the long treck from Seattle (imagining that each hour of the flight was pretty much like a week).
In the morning, the innkeeper tossed our hero out on his ear, just because it was time to check out. So the fella rode on, in another cab, across the roads of South Austin, where he saw the sort of sights that can only be seen with yer eyes! After a short ride, he arrived at his destination: Creek Village, a small town consisting of apartments only. Here he would stay the night (and the rest of the year).
He had planned on setting his things down and then moving on, but calamity struck: there was a sign on the door, written in human blood (from the amazing man who had ink for blood), saying that the office was closed, and would be open in an hour.
So for the next hour, Jonsey trecked around the apartment complex, exploring all the different areas, and getting some good pictures of the outside for posterity.
The sun was bright - the first time our hero had seen the sun since the previous summer - and so Jonsey took the opportunity to lay out by the pool until the manager arrived.
When the manager arrived, she gave our fella the grand tour of the apartment, let him drop his bags inside, and then was so kind to give him a lift over to the mattress store so that he could get a bed while he waited for her to finish drawing up the paperwork.
Our hero bussed it back to the apartment after he had arranged for his bed to be delivered that night, and when he arrived, he filled out his paperwork, and then set to work turning his apartment from Bland Little Place to the Thrilling Cowboy Adventure Fun Land that it ought to be.
First off was picking up the essentials - garbage can, shower curtain, bedding, and the like. His shopping trip took up the better part of the day, until it was time for dinner - the first real meal in Texas.
For the first meal, Jonsey didn’t want to have some ordinary food that he could have anywhere - he wanted to go to the most Texas place he could find: the Broken Spoke. This place is not just a Texas restaurant and dance hall - it’s THE Texas restaurant and dance hall. Our hero walked through the rustic wooden door to find himself in a bar straight out of a Western pit’cher. The place was pertty well empty around this time, as it was too early for the music to start, but there was a big crowd of folks sitting around a wagon wheel table with one seat open, and just finishing ordering, so our hero asks if he can join them.
Of course, if anybody else had done this, they would have been shot at high noon in a duel, but this is Jonsey we’re talkin’ about, so these folks let him sit. They told him that since this was his first meal in Texas, he had to have the Broken Spoke Chicken Fried Steak (everyone else at the table ordered the same). over dinner, the group talked about music (and offered pointers on sounding knowledgable about country music), and everyone commented on how huge our heroes balls were for coming down to Texas for one, for going to the Broken Spoke for a first meal for two, and for wearing a ridiculous huge cowboy hat for three. In the end, the chicken fried steak was tasty, the conversation was fun, and our hero deemed it a very successful end to his first day as a Texan.
Throughout the weekend, our hero’s time was spent getting to know the area around his apartment, and getting more of the necessities bought. Nothing much exciting happened over the weekend, so imagine that it is passing by quickly with an 80s style montage (but with an old west theme, of course).
On Monday, he was pretty well settled into the apartment (although he still had no furniture). Since he was mostly finished with his shopping, and he couldn’t work because he had no computer, he decided it was time to visit Downtown. He hopped on the nearest bus he could find, and rode North, being amazed along the way at all the different places they have around. Eventually he was so amazed that he hopped off the bus early, so that he could wander around and take in the sights.
The thing about Austin is that the downtown is small enough that you can walk to most anywhere downtown you can need to go, so Jonsey walked through the business district, where he visited the Omni Hotel / office buildings, walked around their revolving door, and rode their elevators up as high as they would let him go without a key, and looked at the view of the city. From there he went on to the touristy district, with its many bars and music venues and tourist destinations. Of course, it was the day time, so most of these places were empty. And from there, he went to the State Capital area, where he walked around the capital building and the little park area that surrounds it.
And by this time his legs were getting tired, and it was still hours before the night scene would kick into action, so our hero went home, deciding that he would visit the night life the next day.
And that he did. The next day was spent waiting for his packages to arrive from UPS, doing some grocery shopping, and once all of the days tasks were over with, Jonsey headed downtown once more. This time it was around ten at night, so the night life was just beginning to pick up. He popped into a few of the more interesting looking bars - the most entertaining looking one being the pirate-themed Treasure Island, although he was very disappointed to see that despite the amazing decor, and the fire-juggling tricks of the bartenderes, the place was rather lame (with the worst music ever.) He was able to find some good live music, including a comic piano player specializing in horrible 70s music, a good jazz quartet, and an interesting folk / indie rock group. After spending a couple hours around that area, our hero realized that it was nearing midnight, so he set out to find the Alamo Draft House, where they would be having a midnight showing of Ghostbusters (hosted by somebody he hadn’t heard of, but who apparently is a voice on Aqua Teen Hunger Force). While asking around to try to find it, our hero had an interesting conversation with a street musican, listened to a few of his songs, and then the musician was able to find the theater for him by asking the horse-drawn carriage driver.
After entering the theater, our hero was disappointed to see that most of the audience was comprised of middle aged nerdy fellows, rather than the young cool people that he had hoped to meet (since he had imagined that if people are going to a midnight screening of ghostbusters, they have to be awesome). Despite the lack of new friends, the movie was fun (although the best part was the pre-show).
After the movie, our hero picked up the schedule for the theater, and noticed that in a few weeks, John “Uncle Rico” Gries will be in for a showing on Napoleon Dynamite and another one of his movies. So he might just have to go to that. (Note: this narrator is getting tired, and has pretty well lost the western theme that begun this post. In addition, he is frequently having to correct himself after he types things such as “I picked up the schedule for the theater,” which would ruin the entire third person perspective I’ve… I mean, he’s… got going here.)
Jonsey took the bus back to his apartment (for the bus runs until close to 3am), and then he prompty fell asleep.
And that brings us to today - when the internet got hooked up, which meant that it was time to get back to work - time to make money to pay for the next big adventure.
What will the next adventure be? Only time will tell, li’l pardner. Only time will tell.
(Now I play the harmonica, as you slowly turn away and look up at the star-filled texas sky)

I just got my internet up and running, and so I’m taking the opportunity to post some pictures of my new apartment!

I’ll have tales of my adventures so far later on, so y’all come back now, y’here?

I am frustrated, and now I’ll tell you why!

The biggest frustration is that my apartment did not call or e-mail me today to give me my address. This means that I am unable to ship my things down yet (and the longer I wait, the longer I’ll be without belongings in Texas. It also means I am unable to give out my new address to people yet, or to use it to register for things. Grumble.

The good news is that there is something that I am anxious to register for once I get my address: the 30th Annual O’Henry Pun-Off! This is the world championship of pun competitions, and it will be held next month in Austin, Texas! So now I must get my pun-y muscles back into shape, so that I can claim the title of Punster of the Year.

In other news (Ugly News, but it’s got a nice personality), I finished TheResourcer website today (the furniture sales site that I’m working on), and I think it looks pretty sweet. It is up here: http://www.TheResourcer.net/newindex.html.

So, some of you have been asking why I’m in such a rush to get to Austin. Well, I wasn’t planning on revealing my master scheme until after it was over, but now I’ve had second thoughts and decided to let you all in on the secret:

The reason that I have to get to Austin on Thursday is because that way I’ll have a day (Friday) to get the last details settled, so that on Saturday morning, I can (drum roll please)… get married.

“But Nathaniel! You’re not engaged! How could this be?” I hear you asking. Well, Mr. Pants, you are incorrect, because I am engaged, and so this could be. I’ve been seeing this girl online for the better part of a year now, and she lives in Austin, TX. We’ve never met in person, but we’ve been chatting online, and we both have little webcams, so we can do the video chat dealies, and we’ve been talking on the phone (last night we were up till about 4am on the phone). After this time, we were thinking of meeting and having a little weekend vacation somewhere, but then we decided that we should be young and impulsive, and just get married. If it doesn’t work out, we can always pull a Britney Spears and get divorced the next day.

Anyway, her name is Heather, she’s 24, born in California, moved to Austin about eight years ago. She’s a theater person, too (or, rather, was in high school, but is now working toward becoming a pediatrician). We’re pretty much into the same kinds of things (music, theater, whatnot), and since she’s going to be a doctor, I can count on her to be my sugarmama while I’m a poor starving artist. Sweet deal!

Here are a couple pictures (Unfortunately I don’t have better pictures - once I get down to Austin I’ll have to use my great photography skills to get some better shots):



And now since you all know that there will be a wedding, I should let you know that you’re all invited (sorry for the short notice). It will be this Saturday (the 7th of April) at 3pm, with a reception after. It will be held at St. Mark’s Episcopal Church (2128 Barton Hills Dr, Austin, TX), and the reception will be at Mercury Hall (615 Cardinal Ln. Austin, TX).

If you can make it, I’d love to see you, but if you can’t I understand. Since this will also be my first weekend in my (our) new apartment, I’ll also have a little informal housewarming party.

You are not, of course, obligated to bring a seperate present for each event. Actually, you are not obligated to bring a present to either of these events, because for one it would be quite rude of me to place such a requirement on you at this point, and also because there’s no need for any wedding presents, since this is, after all, an entirely ficticious wedding. Happy April Fools Day, everyone.